In society today there are many people who ask about the nature of love. How do we love? What is love all about?
Once there was a couple who couldn’t get along. They decided to visit a counsellor. The psychologist asked the husband to tell his side first and then the wife. Afterwards, he looked at the man and said, “Stop it.” He then looked at the lady and said, “Stop it.” He finished, “That will be all for today. That’ll be $1,000.00.”
In life, there are many challenges for which we sometimes seek extensive solutions. But are the solutions really more complex than “stop it”? We all know what is right and what is wrong, why is it so difficult to stop negative behaviour in relationships? The difficulty lies in our mind.
In Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages”, he gives some general psychological knowledge on relationships. The first point about love is that it is not about selfishness but selflessness. It is not about oneself, it is about others. How do we show love to the people in our lives?
The first love language is referred to as words of affirmation, that is, what is said to our partners, or in other relationships, such as children, parents, siblings, friends and colleagues. There are many ways we can show this love, through cards, letters or little notes. Do we encourage or discourage? If there is an argument, don’t bring up concerns from the past. If we disagree or discipline, do so in a loving way. Little words of love make a positive difference to the people in your life. Avoid emotionally harsh words and undue criticism.
The second love language is quality time. Before marriage, we all spend lots of time together and can’t wait to live with each other. What changes after marriage? We should still pay attention to the simple things that make each other happy. Even running errands, taking vacations and doing things together are important. We must not live our lives to the exclusion of everyone else. It allows us to develop spiritually. There must be a balance in terms of responsibility to family, to society as well as to oneself. If we choose one to the exclusion of any of the others, there will be a price to pay. We must ask if we are fulfilling our responsibility to all the people in our life. We must consciously make time in life for family and loved ones and give them undivided attention during that time. Spending too much time with others or, on the other extreme, isolating oneself from others, are unbalanced as well.
The third love language is gift giving. Remembering special occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries and giving gifts might not seem important to one partner, but perhaps it is important for their significant other. The attitude with which gifts are given is also important. These minute interactions with others are important. We must not only see God in the murtis and when we worship, but we should see that omniscient Being in everyone around us. The One Self is looking through everyone’s eyes. We should give and receive gifts but beware of the trap of materialism.
The fourth love language is acts of service. These include doing chores at home. In the past, most wives would take care of the household duties while the husbands went to their jobs. Nowadays, there are many other types of household arrangements. Whatever the arrangement, it is important for others to know that someone else is there for them and that they care. We should share the home responsibilities. We should also practise acts of caring, ask others what we could do for them, or even do things without being asked.
The fifth love language is physical touch such as hugs, pats and sitting close. The body language between spouses is important as it reveals the state of their relationship. If we go to the hospital and someone is sick, we hold their hands. The hands have lots of nerve endings and are a sensitive part of us. In such a situation, it indicates that I am a sensitive person and I am here for you; I feel what you feel. Show pleasant facial expressions to people; it will make them feel better. Of course, avoid physical abuse; there is no excuse for physical violence, between spouses, or between children and parents. Ahimsa, non-violence, is the first form of self-restraint.
In order to truly practice love, we must be mindful and pay attention to what is happening in our minds. Only then can we recognise and reduce the internal chatter that stands in the way of good relationships. In other words, the intellect must control the mind. We must practice that love through selfless service to others.
From a Sunday morning service with Pt. Dr. Umesh Persad, Spiritual Leader, Gyaan Deepak Kirtan Mandali
